Managing Relationships with Narcissistic Individuals with Online Therapy.
Overview
Narcissism involves an excessive focus on oneself and one's needs, often resulting in a lack of consideration for others' feelings and requirements. It is strongly associated with the desire for admiration and external validation. While everyone can exhibit narcissistic traits occasionally, a persistent pattern of such behavior could lead to a diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). Those involved with a narcissist may experience neglect, abuse, or even gaslighting, a manipulative tactic that causes the victim to doubt their own reality. NPD can create destructive cycles in relationships, workplaces, and families.
Treating NPD can be challenging, as individuals with narcissistic traits are often unwilling to seek help. However, those affected by a narcissist can find relief through appropriate support and by setting strong boundaries. A therapist can help you understand the impact of another person's narcissism on your life and guide you in safeguarding your mental health. Seek empathetic assistance.
Narcissistic Abuse
Narcissistic abuse occurs when a person with narcissism or NPD uses someone else to fulfill their own needs, gain validation, or boost their self-esteem. Alice Miller's groundbreaking book, The Drama of the Gifted Child, was among the first to explore the characteristics of narcissistic abuse.
Psychoanalyst Otto Fenichel coined the term "narcissistic supply" to describe the self-esteem, support, and admiration that children should receive in a healthy environment. Miller contends that narcissistic abuse is a reversal of this concept, where a parent seeks self-esteem from their child, depleting the child's sense of self-worth. Examples of narcissistic abuse of children include:
Providing love and affection only when the child pleases the parent or enhances the parent's image.
Neglecting the child's needs in pursuit of the parent's interests.
Treating the child warmly and kindly in public to gain admiration, while being cold or abusive in private.
Lying to the child or causing the child to question their own sense of reality.
Narcissistic abuse can also occur in adult relationships, where one person uses another as a source of narcissistic supply.
An individual with NPD abusing another adult may:
Isolate the victim from friends and family.
Expect the victim to devote their resources to pleasing the person with NPD.
Become abusive or angry if the victim does not provide enough love or admiration.
Require constant and unconditional love without reciprocating.
Physical abuse may arise in cases where the victim fails to meet the demands of a person with NPD.
There is limited research on narcissistic abuse, and much of the existing understanding comes from self-help resources and online forums. Consequently, some individuals labeled as narcissistic abusers may not have NPD or may be undiagnosed.
Narcissism's Impact on Relationships and Families
Individuals with narcissism fear rejection and consistently seek external validation. Their self-esteem often depends on feedback from others, which can lead to mistreatment of those around them. Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) can result in a person prioritizing minor needs, such as attention on social media, over more significant needs like feeling secure or loved.
People with NPD tend to offer love and admiration to others only when it benefits their own narcissistic needs. This characteristic makes it challenging to maintain close and intimate relationships. A common aspect of relationships with narcissists is their demand for things they are unwilling to provide, which can include gaslighting the other person. Over time, this distorted perception of reality can damage an individual's self-esteem and make them believe that narcissistic abuse is normal.
Narcissism Within Families
A family member with narcissistic traits can have a significant impact on the entire family. Children of narcissists may experience abuse or neglect. Popular literature on narcissism suggests that family members often adopt specific, stereotypical roles:
Enabler: Typically the spouse of the narcissist, the enabler justifies the narcissist's behavior. They may believe the narcissist has valid reasons for their actions or enable them to avoid abuse.
Flying monkey: These enablers actively abuse family members on behalf of the narcissist. For instance, a sibling may guilt another for cutting ties with an abusive parent.
Scapegoat: Often a child, the scapegoat is blamed for everything that goes wrong with the narcissist and the family. Scapegoats are usually those who recognize and confront narcissistic behavior instead of providing praise.
Golden Child: Narcissists often project their own self-image onto a favored child, referred to as the golden child. This child may receive preferential treatment, including unique rewards, affection, or praise that is not extended to other family members. This dynamic can generate conflicts among family members and serve as a means to gaslight scapegoats and those who are not idolized. The role of the golden child may change over time, particularly if they deviate from the idealized expectations set by their parents, leading to potential abuse or scapegoating.
Roles within a family can evolve based on time and circumstances, and individuals often adopt these roles as a survival mechanism rather than a conscious choice.
Miller suggests that children raised in narcissistic families who lack developmentally appropriate narcissistic supply may eventually become narcissists themselves.
Alternatively, some children of narcissistic parents develop heightened sensitivity and responsiveness to the needs of others. While this enables them to provide the admiration and attention their narcissistic parent craves, it comes at the cost of their own personal growth. These children may mature into adults who seek parental figures from whom they can receive love, making them susceptible to further narcissistic mistreatment.
Narcissism in the Workplace:
In professional settings, narcissists often strive for admiration and recognition at the expense of their colleagues.
They might:
Claim credit for the work of others.
Sabotage coworkers to gain admiration or attention.
Pursue the respect and trust of influential individuals, such as managers or CEOs.
Narcissists may alter their behavior as they continuously seek narcissistic supply, potentially causing significant disruptions within the workplace. Some employees might view the narcissist as a friendly and diligent coworker, while others may see them as a source of abuse.
Some individuals with NPD excel in their careers by using their jobs as a source of narcissistic supply. Others might resent their jobs or refuse to work, especially if their employment does not boost their self-esteem.
Therapy for Addressing Narcissism:
People with NPD might seek treatment when their actions jeopardize something they value, such as a relationship with a partner or child. In some cases, couples or family therapy may be suitable, provided the individual with NPD also pursues individual counseling to address their diagnosis. However, if a relationship involves abuse, couples or family counseling may not be effective.